Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

They got a character on there named Oscar, they treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face, 'Oscar, you are so mean! Isn't he kids?' 'Yeah, Oscar! You're a grouch!' It's like, 'Bitch! I live in a fucking TRASHCAN!'

You can become famous, but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous, but not unfamous.

Weed's not as bad as everything else, 'cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean? You can smoke some herb and still function. You ain't crisp… but you'll function.

I'm not smoking crack. I'm definitely stressed out.

I would go to work on the show and I felt awful every day, that's not the way it was. I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place? I'm going to Africa.

The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

Every Black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP!

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. 'I don't understand this person. So they're crazy.' That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

To what extent do I have to participate in your self image?

Everybody gets mad because I say these jokes, but you gotta understand that this is the best time to say them. More now than ever, (...) you have a responsibility to speak recklessly. Otherwise, my kids may never know what reckless talk sounds like. The joys of being wrong. I didn't come here to be right.

Lady, I'm just a nigga that loves titties.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.