"I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!"

"I would go to work on the show and I felt awful every day, that's not the way it was. I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place? I'm goin…"

"I'm not trying to change the world. I'm just trying to make it a little more tolerable."

"I'm not a politician. I'm a comedian. I'm here to make you laugh, not vote."

"I'm a comedian, not a politician. I'm not here to solve problems, I'm here to make fun of them."