"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available to the public. If you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

"I'm surrounded by magnificent women, but they're not all hookers."

"I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning."

"I’m not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy."

"I've got a brain for science, a heart for art, and a soul for magic."