"I make all this shit up and people pay me. It's great, you know, thank you. All right so you guys put my kids through college and I scared the shit out of you while I was doing it. It's terrific. It's…"

"Sometimes you have to go on when you don't feel like it, and sometimes you're doing good work when it feels like all you're managing is to shovel shit from a sitting position."

"Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally do. Unless I'm writing a book."

"I have a writing room. Actually, it's a one-room studio. There's even a couch. And if you think that's pretentious, go fuck yourself."

"It's more blessed to give than receive, Conan."