"I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium. A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect."

"I don't vote. On Election Day, I stay home. I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. Now, some people like to twist that around and say, 'If you don't vote, you have no right …"

"If you scratch a religious person, you'll find a superstitious person."

"The very first time I got arrested, I was 20. I was with Jack Burns, a comedy partner of mine. We were arrested in a nightclub in Fort Worth, TX. We were doing a routine called 'The Indian Story' whic…"

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."