"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."

"Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

"There is no humor in heaven."

"I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's."