"You're only as good as your last joke. And sometimes, your last joke is a really bad one."

"For that first week you lie to yourself, and tell yourself you can stop, and then your body kicks back and says, no, stop later. And then it took about three years, and finally you do stop."

"I just want to make people laugh. And if I can do that, then I'm happy."

"It's that idea that you can have one drink - and no you can't."

"If women ran the world, we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."