"The world is full of other people’s ideas. Don’t get stuck in them."

"I was going to have a gravestone that said not in my lifetime. Right, but uh somebody sent me a t-shirt at the end of last year that said 'Now I can die in peace.' That's very nice, I thought was real…"

"If you liked being a teenager, there's something really wrong with you."

"My newest horror story: Once upon a time there was a man named Donald Trump, and he ran for president. Some people wanted him to win."

"What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? (You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork... a joke, by the way, that I heard originall…"