"We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, 'I've decided I want to be cremated.' I said, 'Alright, get your coat.'"

"You know it's funny you should say that, because I was just thinking the other day, isn't it weird, your own farts smell better than anybody else's."

"Are you gonna get ready for bed or just stand there like Helen Keller havin a wet dream?"

"Some things are just bad. Some things are just evil. Sometimes there's no explanation."

"Writing is a lonely profession. And that's okay. Because sometimes, the best company is yourself."