"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"I'm not a comedian. I'm a social critic. I'm a philosopher. I'm a poet. I'm a writer. I'm a performer. I'm an artist. I'm a human being. I'm a man. I'm a man of constant sorrow, and I'm a man of const…"

"I love people. I just can't stand their company."

"I'm a little freaked out by the number of people who don't seem to notice the difference between 'you're' and 'your.' It's like, there's a huge difference, people!"