"I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I'm a conspiracy realist. I believe that there are people who are conspiring to do things, and I believe that those things are usually bad."

"I have a lot of anger. I have a lot of rage. I have a lot of resentment. And I use it. I use it in my comedy. I use it in my writing. I use it in my life."

"Here's a little poem by my friend, Jack Handy: 'I hope that after I die, people will say, 'He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was a man who loved his family.' And then, after a brief pause, 'But…"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."