"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are stupider than that."

"I don't have a problem with drugs. I have a problem with people who have a problem with drugs."

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."