"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."

"We're all fucked. It helps to remember that."

"Here's a thought for you: What if all the people who believe in heaven and hell are both wrong? What if there's just... nothing? Imagine the look on their faces!"

"I'm not a preacher. I'm just a guy who likes to tell people what to do."

"On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years…"