"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist. I just happen to believe that reality is a dark, depressing, and ultimately meaningless place."

"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all."

"The only good thing about the good old days is that they're gone."

"I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours."

"When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person."