Mark Twain

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I have a perfectly trained conscience, and it is a great comfort to me. It never bothers me in any way.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a hell of a time in heaven.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

The human race has been a long time without a complete and intelligent explanation of itself. It has been content to accept the explanations of its untrained and ignorant imagination. This has resulted in a vast and grotesque misconception of itself and its Creator.

Man is the only animal that deals in that atrocity of atrocities, War. He is the only one that gathers his brethren about him and goes forth in cold blood and with calm pulse to exterminate his kind.

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The principal difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Classic: A book which people praise and do not read.

Man is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't satisfactory.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately everybody drinks water.)

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.