Mark Twain

Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

The only two things that are infinite are the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool.

Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are more pliable.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

If it was raining soup, the Irish would go out with forks.

I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.