Mark Twain

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.

All good things arrive unto them that wait and don't die in the meantime.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

If you don't read a newspaper, you are uninformed. If you do read it, you are misinformed.

It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense.

I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion — several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.

I have no special regard for Satan; but, I can at least claim that I have no prejudice against him. It may even be that I lean a little his way, on account of his not having a fair show.

But the truth is, that when a Library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.

When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Never argue with a fool. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.