"I have a perfectly trained conscience, and it is a great comfort to me. It never bothers me in any way."

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce."

"I was educated in the public schools of Missouri, which were not good enough to do me any harm."

"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost."

"The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not ashamed to say it."