"I'm a little freaked out by the fact that I'm becoming my father. I find myself saying things like, 'Turn off the lights, I'm not paying to light the whole neighborhood!'"

"I'm not a hero. I'm just a guy who tells jokes for a living."

"If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is a…"

"Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you."