Mark Twain

The ass is the only animal that can't be improved by cross-breeding.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

The greatest country in the world, and we're letting it go to the dogs.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Man is a creature of circumstances, but circumstances are creatures of men.

I have been in situations where I could not tell the truth without doing harm, and I have therefore told lies.

It is a solemn thought that at the very moment when the new baby is born, the old baby is dying.

I was educated once, but it didn't take.

The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not ashamed to say it.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Do not put off until tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

A successful book is not made of what is in it, but of what is left out of it.

An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.