Mark Twain

It's a classic… something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Life: we laugh and laugh, then cry and cry, then feebler laugh, then die.

There is no sadder thing than a young pessimist than perhaps an old optimist.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.

Nothing so needs reforming more than other people's habits.

What a world of trouble those who never marry escape!

As to the Adjective: When in doubt, strike it out.

It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others — and less trouble.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied with drink.

I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much more of it.

Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.

The test of any good fiction is that you should care something for the characters; the good to succeed, the bad to fail. The trouble with most fiction is that you want them all to land in hell together, as quickly as possible.

I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

I am a democrat only on principle, not by instinct, nobody is that. Doubtless some people say they are, but this world is grievously given to lying.